Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too

So many guys are spooked by relationships because you think being in relationship means you will loose your freedom, become trapped or compromised.

I say you can have your freedom and be in relationship as well. I say it is possible to have freedom, while being responsible and reaping the rewards of devoting yourself to one person.

This is about re-defining what monogamy IS for you, after all!

 

Firstly, though, take a look at why you feel you need your freedom?

It might not be time. It is part of your development to play around, experiment, soak up adventure, be footloose and free.

It could be you are immature. It might be time to take a good, hard look at what you need to be "free" from. It might be time to grow a bit, mature, ripen, stop running.

Relationships might not actually be for you. It could be you are not meant to be in relationship - that the boundaries, however re-defined by you, are not part of your expression this go around.

Maybe you can have it all. Perhaps no one ever gave you permission to create your own boundaries, to set the rules up in your relationship to suit you, as well as honor your partner.

It could be simply being able to have friends without your partner feeling jealous. It could be that you both have the freedom to flirt, to be intimate together with other people, or to have other relationships with other people.

So, with the idea that you could "have it all," what would you want to create? What would it take for you to stay but not feel trapped? How would you have to be a bigger man to handle it all?

 

Let me tell you a little about my story.

When my boyfriend and I met each other, he clearly didn't want to be with one person exclusively, although I was clear I did. But we couldn't help but be together and as we got into a "relationship," he strongly wanted to have the freedom to be intimate and sexual with other people, apart or together. At first I was very resistant, but then I became fascinated by the question of how he could have his freedom and still want to be in the boundaries of committed, honest relationship with me.

That seemingly incongruous question lead me to realize there were ways I wanted freedom as well. It led us both to take a look at what was un-defined and what needed re-defining in what we wanted in a relationship.

It led us both into the extraordinary relationship we have now, one that our friends and colleagues refer to as a model they deeply admire and wish to emulate.

It led us to clarify that we both need and want to have a relationship that honors us both, is built on honesty, held together with the glue of communication, is full of adventure, trust, and respect and is an expression of the unique individuals we both are.

It led us to explore the questions and distinctions that I lay out in this website.

If you are looking for something that is YOUR particular mix of monogamy and freedom, there are some guidelines I can offer, fresh from the trenches of my own relationship.

 

Build A Strong Foundation First.

Although you want to be upfront and honest to your partner about what you want, you have to build a solid foundation of trust, communication and safe boundaries before you can start coloring outside of the lines. It is too confronting and often self-defeating to start with the advanced stuff. You both have to be extremely mature and well-versed in YOUR relationship before widening the boundaries.

 

Getting To Neutral.

Most people consider themselves or their partner being intimate or sexual with someone else as extremely negative, as one of the worst lies that could befall any relationship. You want to be able to get to the place where widening the boundaries of monogamy is not negative, it is doesn't mean cheating or lying, it doesn't mean one of you can't get what they need from the other so they are looking around, it doesn't mean one of you is wanting to leave the other.

This is a topic I explore in much more depth in Secret Subjects, especially in On Beyond Monogamy.

 

Coming From Surplus.

Your woman has to trust you completely, and be emotionally, physically and sexually satiated with you before she can think about you getting it from someone else. If she is satisfied, there is room for more. If you are neglecting her, if your intimacy is lacking, if she feels threatened in any way, there is no chance that anything from flirting to being intimate with others, will work.

 

The Concept of "AND not OR."

Almost everyone thinks and acts with the idea that love is scarce and you have to control love and own it in order to keep it. You think, she loves me OR someone else. Or you think, if I am attracted to that other woman, there must be something lacking with my partner. I tell you, affection is abundant. Love is not scarce.

The first time I saw my boyfriend kiss another woman was the moment I understood that there is enough to go around.

Although I watched my mind come up with many natural doubts like, "he finds something in her that I lack, if he enjoys her, he wants to leave me, his affection for her diminishes his affection for me." But none of this was true.

In this moment I could see that the bond and the trust I had with my partner wasn't going anywhere. We were both able to deeply love each other, while having love or affection for others. It was not an OR situation, but a potent example of AND.

Having your freedom and eating your pie, too is not about putting one over on anyone. It is not about cheating, lying or sneaking. It is about creating a relationship situation in which you are held to be more and more of the best you can be, in which you, as well as your partner, get to be fully self-expressed.

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