Intimacy With Women

You, like most human beings, likely crave intimacy, and want it to flourish, but at the same time are afraid of it and keep yourself at a safe distance from it.

I think of intimacy as a physical or emotional experience in which you are the closest it is possible to be with another human being, in which you couldn't be any closer.

Intimacy is laying out what is SO for you, good or bad, heroic or shameful. It is a moment of truth sharing, of being emotionally or otherwise naked. And the nakedness is OK - in fact, better than OK - welcomed, accepted, honored, and loved.

How women become available for intimacy, how we respond to experiences of intimacy, and our patterns around intimacy, are somewhat distinct from guys. Understanding this can give you skill around creating and experiencing intimacy with women.

I talk in generalities about how women are with intimacy, which can be very useful. However, I hope it goes without saying that any woman is completely unique from another, with preferences, hot-buttons, likes and dislikes, all of which vary from woman to woman. And learning these as well as the generalities about most women, is vital.

 

Being Available For Intimacy:

In terms of physical or sexual intimacy, women often need to be emotionally intimate before we feel safe and open enough to be physically intimate.

Most guys are the opposite - physical intimacy or sex opens you up for emotional intimacy.

Women become available for intimacy usually by being "invited" or "welcomed." This can be verbal, where you comunicate something that is going on for you that creates a safe space in which she can join you. It could also be energetic, where she senses or feels that you are inviting her or welcoming her.

We need to feel safe with you to be intimate. What it is that constitutes a feeling of safety may vary from woman to woman, but usually it has to do with her feeling (or hearing) that you are accepting, will not flee unexpectedly and that you have her back.

 

Responding To Intimacy:

Guys respond to experiences of intimacy with a pattern of intimacy that is a bit like, "Approach, Retreat, Regroup, Repeat."

You dip in for some intimacy, take in your capacity, and then need to high-tail it out of there and get some space. When you've had enough time away, you come back for some more closeness.

Repeat pattern.

Women, however, respond to experiences of intimacy with kind of a spiralic pattern. We move toward intimate situations in a steady path, always closer, always deeper.

This can be very confronting for guys, because you are not ready for more or to go deeper just yet. You need some time away before you can take any more. You need to digest what you're chewing on already before you want more.

However, your patterns of intimacy are often really confusing to women.

A woman shares this really intimate moment with you, and next thing she knows, you take off, leaving her wanting more and wanting to go deeper, wondering what the hell just happened, feeling confused and hurt, wondering, "Why wouldn't he want more, or to go deeper? What did I do that drove him away?"

A sort of self-defeating pattern can get set up quite easily:

After emotional or physical intimacy, a woman will try to advance closer to you, which makes you claustrophobic since what you want is space. She feels you moving away, and feels rejected. She usually tries to restore the intimate connection by moving closer, which of course makes you want to move even further away.

You can get off this loopy ride if you can understand and respect the differing patterns of intimacy that men and women have.

You can tell her, in a gentle and loving way, that you need to take some space for yourself. It is not that you want to get away from her, or that she has done anything wrong. You just need some space.

It takes the confusion, misunderstanding, hurt and sting out of it all. And makes it possible for intimacy to flourish.

 

Creating Intimacy

The space of intimacy is rather the opposite of the tough shell you need to walk around, do work and survive in the world.

It takes some effort to open up and become available to intimacy. Without some effort and understanding of how to create intimacy, you usually just intentionally or unintentionally stop or block it.

I want to tell you something radical about what blocks or inhibits intimacy.

You, like most human beings, are afraid of intimacy, mainly because you think if you reveal the real you, you will be exposed as the deficient person you are, and there will be a reason for someone to reject you.

Show the real you or get too close, get left, rejected or trapped, is the erroneous belief.

So you do a lot of hiding, denying, compensating for, posturing and covering up so that you don't have to go through the horror of showing yourself as you are, since that is certainly not enough or too much.

The problem is NOT the having parts of yourself that you doubt.

It is the hiding, covering up and pretending to be something other than you are, that blocks intimacy.

Intimacy is sharing a moment of truth. You can't lie or pretend and be truly intimate.

It is also ignorance around the different patterns men and women have around intimacy that blocks it.

You can - and must - take initiative to create intimacy. Here are some ways to try out:

•  Share some of you with her . A fear, something important, or any truth about yourself, really. Knowing about you is what creates room for her to be intimate with you, emotionally or physically.

•  Invite her. Your invitation or welcoming, whether subtle or overt, creates the space in which intimacy can flourish.

•  Ask her what she needs to be open to be intimate with you. There are intricacies and idiosyncrasies that vary from woman to woman. She also might need different things at different times.

•  Tell her what YOU need for intimacy. Once she knows, she can also take initiative and be able to call it out in you.

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